The Troutown Gazette

Hi folks! Sorry I haven't been able to write any articles for a while. I've been so busy with the holiday season, and also my roof caved in due to the ice storm. Ol' Ned was nice enough to help me patch it up. Ned, if you're reading, sorry again for nailing your thumb to that shingle. Hopefully the spiced rum we had afterwards took away some of the pain.

Another reason I couldn't write anything is that some ne'er-do-well broke into the Stumpville library (where I write all my articles) and stole the computers. Merry Christmas! It took a while for Stumpville to pass a millage that would allow them to buy new (used) ones, but thank god they did. Pretty good ones too! Not as nice as the previous models, but these Compaqs should do the trick. They're a bit slower at x386, but who am I to complain?

Anyway, back to the holidays. I'd like to spread some good cheer by reminding everyone that the old civic center parking lot is once again being turned into Santa's Village for the holidays. As usual, they have great rides, amazing decorations, and just lots of good wholesome fun. I want to emphasize "wholesome", because unlike last year, the city is now doing background checks on all Santas working in the village. On behalf of the city, I would like to apologize again to little Timmy. He was a real sport to not file a lawsuit. With any luck, we'll get enough revenue from the admissions to also do background checks on the Elves, although they hardly seem as dangerous. I don't think a single one of 'em is over 5 feet tall. Some have mentioned the potential risk of the pointy shoes, but that's neither here nor there.

Other improvements over last year include a real pine tree, working lights, and food for the reindeer.

Also, we changed the name from Santas Village (plural with no apostrophe) to Santa's Village (singular with apostrophe). Although there is technically more than one person in a Santa suit in the village (even Santas have to take a smoke break!), there is only supposed to be ONE Santa, if you get my drift. Let's not ruin it for the kids who still believe!

Finally, the city has also tried to remove all exposed nails and wiring, but "no guarantees" says the mayor.

So come one, come all to Santa's Village! Have a fun day, and don't forget to take your picture with one of the Santas!

# posted by Jiminy Grizzle @ 7:14 PM 0 comments

Hi folks, I can't believe I'm writing two "good news" articles in a row, but that just proves my pappy's old saying: "Things can get really weird."

The good news Du Jour (that means "of the day") is that Troutown's bi-weekly Gun and Knife Show, held as always down at the armory, was a great success. Weapon fans both young and old came out to try the latest wares, from cute little pocket knives to 8 inch serrated pieces that would cut through a tailpipe like a chainsaw through balsam. From adorable little Saturday Night Specials to high powered army surplus rocket launchers, fun was lurking around every corner.

We all got a kick out of little Lindsey Sue when she pointed that Russian machine gun at her daddy and said "Stick 'em up you commie bastard!" Ah, they grow up so fast these days.

Unfortunately there were several minor injuries, as usual. Both mascots in attendance (the Troutown Whale Shark and Angler Jim's H.R. Puff-N-Stuff) were shived by some rambunctious youngster, causing large holes in the fabric. The little dickens has yet to be identified, but I'm sure his parents will reprimand him accordingly, as well as return the knives and other assorted arms he made off with.

But on the upside, sales were through the roof! Literally. Ol' Ned purchased a rocket launcher, and later while waiting for his wife, he had one of his sleepwalking spells during which he shot a rocket through the armory roof. But don't worry, no one was seriously hurt -- Ol' Ned managed to shoot the rocket right through the open skylight! The ruckus did manage to startle Millie Worchel, costume designer of the Troutown Players Theatre Company. She was called in to (once again) fix the H.R. Puff-N-Stuff outfit, as well as the Troutown Whale Shark (thank you again Millie!). She jumped about two feet while sewing up H.R. Puff-N-Stuff, which caused an even larger hole than she started with. Luckily her mending skills were up to the task, and everything looked great once she finished the job.

Another bit of good news -- the errant rocket is believed to be what put Stumpville's Ferris wheel out of commission! It serves them Stumpvillians right, always gloating about how they can see the whole Tri-County area from the top of the wheel. And for god's sake, when they finished the Ferris wheel, they changed the Stumpville town crest to read "Like Icarus flying too close the sun, so do Stumpvillians kiss the sky and return to earth, reuniting with humanity." How pretentious! We in Troutown prefer to remain simple and true. Just give us our guns and knives, some armor piercing bullets, and sure, a rocket launcher here and there, and that's enough. God bless America.

# posted by Jiminy Grizzle @ 10:16 AM 0 comments

Hi folks! Finally some good news! Everyone's favorite local restaurant (well, the local franchise of the nationwide chain) has re-opened. That's right, Angler Jim's H.R. Puff-N-Stuff's Funplace for Kids of All Ages is back! Owner Jim Rodbrukken (known around Troutown as “Angler Jim”) stated that the fire damage has all been repaired or patched up, so it now meets Troutown's health & safety codes. Also, he has settled the trademark infringement lawsuit with Dave & Busters over the "Melt-Your-Face-Pizzatizers" menu item. Jim agreed to change the word pizzatizer to pizzateaser. I for one think it's a change for the better! A bit more creative, don't you think?

However, as with most good news around these parts, it comes with some bad news. For one, investigators and concerned volunteers never did find Ol' Groggy, the pet possum that liked to hang around the back of the restaurant. Ol' Groggy, wherever you are, I hope you're feasting on some delicious trash out of only the finest open dumpsters.

Also, the restaurant's Street Fighter II video game machine is back on the fritz. My guess is that some wires got fried during the fire. Whenever you choose Blanka as a character, the game shuts down. That spells bad news for last year's Tri-County Area Street Fighter II: Street Fighter Competition champion, little Johnny Gustafson. Blanka was his bread and butter. Good luck with your second choice (Ryu) in 2006 Johnny, the day of the contest is fast approaching!

The final and worst piece of news is that Greg Holloman, who dressed up every day as H.R. Puff-N-Stuff himself, has been arrested for impersonating a doctor over in Stumpville. It seems Greg had a penchant for costumes other than the H.R. Puff-N-Stuff mascot, which I forgot to mention sustained minor burn marks. Not to worry though, it has been repaired by costume designer Millie Worchel of the Troutown Players Theatre Company (thank you Millie!). Anyway, Greg was posing as a podiatrist at the Stumpville Medical Center. He had done a number of examinations, and even successfully completed a couple of minor surgeries. The surprising part is that all his patients, as well as his Doctor colleagues, said he was the best podiatrist they'd ever seen. In the end, he was only caught because he incorrectly filled out some billing paperwork for Stumpville's HMOne health insurance plan.

So, long story short, we are without a body to fill the H.R. Puff-N-Stuff costume. Auditions begin tonight, but the search to find a suitable replacement is expected to take quite some time.

# posted by Jiminy Grizzle @ 12:36 PM 0 comments

Well folks, I was hoping to be able to write an article about how successful the First Annual Troutown Riverfest CXXXVII was, but I can’t in good conscience, considering the turnout we had.

By the way, if you’re wonderin’ why it’s called the First Annual Troutown Riverfest CXXXVII, it’s because the festival used to be called Fishfest, ever since it started back in 1870. But as you know if you’ve even been to a Fishfest, the stench of rotting fish on the riverbank is quite powerful, and is believed to be the reason we can never get good talent to perform at the festival. So this year, the festival committee voted unanimously to change the name to Riverfest. But we also wanted to acknowledge that the festival is still a storied tradition, as old as Troutown itself. So we carried over the roman numerals from Fishfest (people really like the roman numerals!). In other words, although this is the first “Riverfest”, it’s the 137th festival. If you’re still confused, just give a holler to festival chairperson, Dort Priffle, and she can explain further.

Anyway, back to the Riverfest debacle. We started out thinkin’ this would be the best festival in the town’s history. We had what seemed like a great idea to solve the fish smell. The festival committee got together and went to the Stumpville Wal*mart to purchase 100 pedestal fans. We figured we’d use the fans to blow the fish smell back toward the river, and over into Stumpville. P.S., we went to Wal*mart instead of Troutown’s own Johnson Hardware (voted best hardware store in the Tri-Country area!) because we were going to return all the fans after the festival to get our money back. Take that Wal*mart!

We even put the word out to the community that this year’s festival would be fish-smell free. Because of this we were able to get an AMAZING lineup. We got musicians Collective Soul (for the young adults and alternative music crowd), Foghat (for the classic rockers), and comedians Sinbad (for diversity), and Gallagher II (for everyone!). It truly was an all-star lineup -- a real coup for Troutown -- and everyone was set to thumb their noses at Stumpville’s annual Woodfest. For once we would have the better lineup, and the better festival!

Well, the events that ensued were terrible. Just awful. Here’s what happened. We had all the fans lined up in rows, all connected into power strips and plugged into an outlet near the Gazebo & Picnic Area. Everything was working great for the first day -- the fish smell was barely detectable. Foghat was singing their heart out, and Sinbad managed a few laughs here and there. The real trouble started when Gallagher II took the stage on day two of the festival. Instead of doing the watermelon smashing gag (which I guess is owned by his brother, the original Gallagher), he thought he’d spice it up and smash some fish. Long story short, when Gallagher II started hammering those fish, the pieces flew out into the audience and into the back of the fans. As you might imagine, the fans started chopping up the pieces of fish and spraying it all over the crowd. It was horrible. The crowd started booing, but apparently Gallagher II is quite used to that, so he didn’t stop his act. More and more fish were brought on stage and smashed, until the grounds and attendees of Riverfest were completely covered in fish puree.

The smell was the worst in festival history, and we had to shut down in the middle of day two, before Collective Soul even had a chance to play their first hit.

The lost revenues and attendance from the early shutdown, combined with the fact that we couldn’t return the fans to Wal*mart (apparently their “no questions asked” return policy doesn’t apply to the questions “Hey why do these fans smell like fish?” and “You expect me to refund your money for these fish fans?”) made the festival a real disappointment.

Hopefully we can redeem ourselves when the Second Annual Troutown Riverfest CXXXVIII rolls around. I can tell you this, their will be some shake-up in the festival committee.

# posted by Jiminy Grizzle @ 12:18 PM 0 comments

Well folks, it looks like the darling pitcher of the Troutown Whale Sharks is in a whole mound (pun intended) of trouble. Ross Tickle was arrested early Wednesday morning for drunk driving and a violation of Troutown’s vehicle code, section 110. It seems the young athlete was quite sloshed, and found driving the Whale Sharks’ club car on Interstate 12.

For those unfamiliar with the club car, it is a golf cart shaped like a giant baseball with a giant Whale Shark on the roof. Is “giant Whale Shark” redundant? Actually, if anything, it is a miniaturized Whale Shark (even though it's still quite big), since a 1:1 scale of a Whale Shark would easily crush the club car (although it is a giant baseball, the club car is still quite small by vehicular standards).

For those unfamiliar with Troutown’s vehicle code, section 110, it reads as follows:

No motorist within the vicinity of Troutown’s city limits may operate a vehicle of less than 80 (British) horsepower on any interstate, raised roadway, or divided highway. Nor may said motorist operate a vehicle with a large object, especially a town mascot, on said vehicle’s roof without obtaining a large object roof permit from the city, which shall cost no less than $100 to obtain. In addition, the city vehicle office shall not remain open for more than three (3) hours on any given day, and shall be closed Wednesday through Monday. On such days when said city vehicle office is open, the customer line shall not move at a rate of more than one (1) customer per hour.

When Tickle was asked what in tarnation he was thinking, he responded that he had “knocked a couple back with the guys” in celebration of the narrow 0-15 defeat in last Monday’s game against the Stumpville Treetops, and that he was just trying to make it over to the Pump-N-Shaft to take advantage of their going out of business sale. Tickle added that he was driving the club car instead of his own car because “the guys were convinced I was hammered, so they hid the keys to my pickup truck.” Since the Pump-N-Shaft is a tractor service station, it begs the question, why didn’t he walk home and drive his tractor to the Pump-N-Shaft? When asked about this, Tickle responded, “Oh my tractor? I lost the keys to my tractor.” Tickle then asked how much it would cost to place an ad in The Troutown Gazette regarding his lost tractor keys.

# posted by Jiminy Grizzle @ 9:36 AM 1 comments

Well folks, it looks like the Troutown economic downturn isn’t quite done yet. Everyone’s favorite tractor service center is going out of business. The Pump-N-Shaft will be giving its final lube job on Friday. PNS, you will be missed. Although I have to say, the filthy jokes about the name (and even the abbreviation of the name) won’t be.

Personally, I blame that new Jiffy Lube over in Stumpville. They have fancy flyers going out to people’s homes, and since it’s one of them chain stores, they have the economies of scale to offer better prices. If you ask me though, the teenagers they got working there wouldn’t know a drive train from a donkey’s elbow!

But, that seems like the way of the world. Everybody wants a lower price, no matter what the cost to the community. I just hope we can keep Wal*Mart away just a little longer.

# posted by Jiminy Grizzle @ 9:46 AM 1 comments

Hi folks. Right off the bat (no pun intended), I’m gonna tell you that I ain’t a great sports writer. That was Breckelsworth’s department, but the last I heard of him, his spleen was being sold to the Russians. Poor Breckelsworth! Stay strong old friend! Remember, stick to the old “name, rank, and serial number.” Don’t let them get anything else out of you. Heck, they already got your spleen.

Anyway, the Troutown Whale Sharks held up for 9 innings last night against the Stumpville Treetops down at the old ballpark. It was 0-0 at the bottom of the ninth, and it was looking like we’d have our first non-embarrassing loss. The Treetops were at bat, and everyone figured maybe we’d give up a run or two, but no more. Up until that point, Jim (the pitcher) hadn’t given much up. But something must’ve snapped inside him, because in no time the Treetops had scored 10 runs. At that point, Bucky Shill (the manager) called in a young upstart closer by the name of Ross Tickle. Well, that was just what the doctor ordered, because Ross managed to strike out 3 batters in a row. And all that after giving up only 5 more runs.

So chalk up another humiliating defeat for our beloved Whale Sharks. But look on the bright side, at least 0-15 isn’t the worst defeat we’ve faced this season!

# posted by Jiminy Grizzle @ 9:26 AM 0 comments

Well folks, it's more bad news, unfortunately. The town fountain broke down sometime between the hours of 1 and 3 o'clock this morning. It appears some pranksters thought it would be funny to throw a dead titmouse in the fountain drain and cause it to overflow. Thankfully Ned's been sleepwalking again, and was awakened by his wet feet as he was roaming past the fountain. Good ol' Ned fished out the blockage, which saved some of the water, but the fountain doesn't look like it will be operational anytime soon.

Hopefully the Troutown Penta-Annual Bookmobile Bake Sale will raise the much needed funds to repair our town's pride. Sure, the school children will have to go without books for a little while, but without that fountain, heck, we're no better than Great Haven! And when you're mentioned in the same breath as those bumpkins, you quickly become the laughing stock of the entire tri-country area.

# posted by Jiminy Grizzle @ 9:13 AM 2 comments

Welcome to the first ever online article of The Troutown Gazette! As you might have heard, the debts of the physical (paper) version of The Troutown Gazette got to be more than our virtually non-existent revenues could support. So the dang banks came and repossessed all our printing presses, equipment, and, heck, even most of the staff. I wasn't aware you could mortgage a human being, but, well, I ain't no banker, thank goodness. Anyhow, now that Jeb, T-whiz, Yankee, and Breckelsworth have been sold off to some Malaysian Organ Conglomerate, I am the lone employee left at The Troutown Gazette. I'll tell you, I thought we'd have to hang up the whole shebang. But then I overheard one of the learned youngsters of Troutown jawin' about how you can write and publish anything you want, for free, long as you got a computer! I was able to pry some more information from him and get lessons on how to use these newfangled computers, the internet, and "blogs" as he calls them. 'Course he made me buy him some Pogs and a couple of Beenie Babies for his trouble, the greedy so-and-so.

Until I (or anyone in Troutown for that matter) can afford a computer, I'll be commuting to the Stumpville library to use theirs. It'll have to be a secret operation though. If any of them Stumpvillians found out their rival town's news rag was being published right under their noses, well, they'd give me quite a beating! Thank god they abolished the guillotine last month. I don't know why those Stumpville folks are so stingy with their resources anyhow -- they got the richest population in the tri-county area. Sure, most of their logging money has dried up since there ain't no more trees left, but heck, any town whose library can afford to buy practically brand-new Gateway Pentium II computers with 15 inch color monitors should be willing to share the wealth with their neighbors.

But I digress. Hopefully with the advertising revenues from this blog, I'll be able to afford that Packard Bell x486 I had my eye on at the Stumpville New-Too-U used computer emporium. If I get the hang of that, I might even get what they call a "mouse"! It's supposed to make computing that much easier, even though it already seems pretty easy, what with the backspace key and all.

Anyway, down to the business at hand: the news! Well, other than the shift in strategy at the The Troutown Gazzette, there's actually not much to report. Oh, except for one big story. I nearly forgot, what with all the hooplah down at the paper...

# posted by Jiminy Grizzle @ 8:45 AM 2 comments