The Troutown Gazette

Hi folks! Finally some good news! Everyone's favorite local restaurant (well, the local franchise of the nationwide chain) has re-opened. That's right, Angler Jim's H.R. Puff-N-Stuff's Funplace for Kids of All Ages is back! Owner Jim Rodbrukken (known around Troutown as “Angler Jim”) stated that the fire damage has all been repaired or patched up, so it now meets Troutown's health & safety codes. Also, he has settled the trademark infringement lawsuit with Dave & Busters over the "Melt-Your-Face-Pizzatizers" menu item. Jim agreed to change the word pizzatizer to pizzateaser. I for one think it's a change for the better! A bit more creative, don't you think?

However, as with most good news around these parts, it comes with some bad news. For one, investigators and concerned volunteers never did find Ol' Groggy, the pet possum that liked to hang around the back of the restaurant. Ol' Groggy, wherever you are, I hope you're feasting on some delicious trash out of only the finest open dumpsters.

Also, the restaurant's Street Fighter II video game machine is back on the fritz. My guess is that some wires got fried during the fire. Whenever you choose Blanka as a character, the game shuts down. That spells bad news for last year's Tri-County Area Street Fighter II: Street Fighter Competition champion, little Johnny Gustafson. Blanka was his bread and butter. Good luck with your second choice (Ryu) in 2006 Johnny, the day of the contest is fast approaching!

The final and worst piece of news is that Greg Holloman, who dressed up every day as H.R. Puff-N-Stuff himself, has been arrested for impersonating a doctor over in Stumpville. It seems Greg had a penchant for costumes other than the H.R. Puff-N-Stuff mascot, which I forgot to mention sustained minor burn marks. Not to worry though, it has been repaired by costume designer Millie Worchel of the Troutown Players Theatre Company (thank you Millie!). Anyway, Greg was posing as a podiatrist at the Stumpville Medical Center. He had done a number of examinations, and even successfully completed a couple of minor surgeries. The surprising part is that all his patients, as well as his Doctor colleagues, said he was the best podiatrist they'd ever seen. In the end, he was only caught because he incorrectly filled out some billing paperwork for Stumpville's HMOne health insurance plan.

So, long story short, we are without a body to fill the H.R. Puff-N-Stuff costume. Auditions begin tonight, but the search to find a suitable replacement is expected to take quite some time.

# posted by Jiminy Grizzle @ 12:36 PM