The Troutown Gazette

Well folks, it looks like the darling pitcher of the Troutown Whale Sharks is in a whole mound (pun intended) of trouble. Ross Tickle was arrested early Wednesday morning for drunk driving and a violation of Troutown’s vehicle code, section 110. It seems the young athlete was quite sloshed, and found driving the Whale Sharks’ club car on Interstate 12.

For those unfamiliar with the club car, it is a golf cart shaped like a giant baseball with a giant Whale Shark on the roof. Is “giant Whale Shark” redundant? Actually, if anything, it is a miniaturized Whale Shark (even though it's still quite big), since a 1:1 scale of a Whale Shark would easily crush the club car (although it is a giant baseball, the club car is still quite small by vehicular standards).

For those unfamiliar with Troutown’s vehicle code, section 110, it reads as follows:

No motorist within the vicinity of Troutown’s city limits may operate a vehicle of less than 80 (British) horsepower on any interstate, raised roadway, or divided highway. Nor may said motorist operate a vehicle with a large object, especially a town mascot, on said vehicle’s roof without obtaining a large object roof permit from the city, which shall cost no less than $100 to obtain. In addition, the city vehicle office shall not remain open for more than three (3) hours on any given day, and shall be closed Wednesday through Monday. On such days when said city vehicle office is open, the customer line shall not move at a rate of more than one (1) customer per hour.

When Tickle was asked what in tarnation he was thinking, he responded that he had “knocked a couple back with the guys” in celebration of the narrow 0-15 defeat in last Monday’s game against the Stumpville Treetops, and that he was just trying to make it over to the Pump-N-Shaft to take advantage of their going out of business sale. Tickle added that he was driving the club car instead of his own car because “the guys were convinced I was hammered, so they hid the keys to my pickup truck.” Since the Pump-N-Shaft is a tractor service station, it begs the question, why didn’t he walk home and drive his tractor to the Pump-N-Shaft? When asked about this, Tickle responded, “Oh my tractor? I lost the keys to my tractor.” Tickle then asked how much it would cost to place an ad in The Troutown Gazette regarding his lost tractor keys.

# posted by Jiminy Grizzle @ 9:36 AM